My Inspirations

Identity

I have found myself losing my own identity recently.  But I guess at the same time, I have never really motivated myself enough to push myself towards my dreams.  When it comes to reaching one’s dreams it’s hard to multi-task because it requires so much energy and effort.  I’ll admit, I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to become a teacher.  I was toward prior to applying that the job market is not doing well and to not expect to find a job after coming out of the program.  But I still went for it because I already knew that it was something I wanted to do.  And I knew that it was something I can do, something that I’m good at. 

But now..it’s just slightly disheartening.  I’ve been out of my program for almost two months now.  I’ve been searching for a job for almost 4 months now.  And I still have nothing.  I’ve been told that I have a strong application by employers, so what exactly is it that I’m doing wrong? This just brings me back to last year when I was trying to get a job.  I spent nearly the entire summer looking for a job, had multiple interviews, and got nothing. And when I did get a job, I excelled like no other.  Because I know I am good at what I do.  I was told later by my previous employer that I don’t allow myself to shine enough in my interviews.  And so this year while job hunting I tried my best to shine. But it doesn’t seem to be enough still. And I don’t know what to do.

I feel ashamed at times.  I feel like I’ve let my family down, especially my dad.  He invested so much money in me only to have me turn out as a failure because I can’t even get a job.  I am trying, I am trying so hard to get a job.  I put in multiple applications, I’ve exerted a lot of effort boosting my application by creating a portfolio, and I have received some interviews.  In one way, I should consider myself lucky that I have received some interviews as opposed to other people in my program.  But when I see people in my program who have been getting jobs lately, it frustrates me.

I suppose a lot of this has to do with the fact that I feel cooped up and constrained right now.  I know I’ve had a lot of fun. I’ve done some traveling and have spent some quality time with some good friends.  But at the same time, I’ve broken my routine. And as silly as that sounds it’s had an impact on my identity.  I miss being able to go to Taiwan every six months.  It’s a big part of me and I haven’t been back for a year and a half now. And it hurts. I feel like I’ve slowly been losing my Taiwanese identity which is something I hold onto dearly.

I’ve also found that I haven’t been listening to or keeping up with music lately.  Music has always been a great passion of mine. But it also requires so much energy because I’m so OCD on how I organize my music.  And after spending time and energy on job applications, all I want to do is just do nothing. And now I just feel so disconnected to my Chinese shows and music.  I started watching my shows again and I don’t recognize so much of the music I hear. It just makes me sad.

I feel like I’ve lost so much motivation. I’ve lost so much inspiration.  And as a result, I’ve also lost parts of my identity. I tried to give myself the motivation I needed. I told myself if I could get a job by the end of June I can go to Taiwan.  But I’m reaching mid-July and I have nothing.  I’m scared of what I will do when July ends because I don’t know where I can go. I just feel like giving up. Because I really don’t know what to do…